Well Michael Bolton has moved in to my mind this week! Imagine this going round and round in your head:
“Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I’ve been lovin’ you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am i supposed to carry on”
Cheesy I know! But I can’t stop the words from endlessly twisting and turning.
I guess the words have planted themselves because I have asked Bob out loud so many times now ‘How did you think I could cope with this?’ Of course there is no answer because he was not thinking about how others would cope at the end. He just needed to find his own way of coping and his own peace. It was his right.
Music is a minefield. I love music and Bob and I had many similar tastes. We would laughingly squabble over whose I-pod got plugged in to the sound system whilst knowing that both our playlists are very similar. So now it is dangerous for me to play my music for fear of it reducing me to an emotional wreck. Any Runrig (one of our favorite bands) or U2 is particularly risky. And if I hear Be Still by The Killers (played at his funeral and absolutely perfect) I don’t think I would cope. I know the music will join with the memories and make me smile again one day though.
There is nothing much I don’t miss about him at the moment, I guess you really do idolise someone once they’re gone. Here are a few things I miss about you which have popped into my head:
-Watching you tie your shoe laces. So precise and such a long process! Always finished by three sharp tugs to tighten the knot. I would watch impatiently, smiling at you.
-Meeting you on Lymington High Street. I would go out to look at the charity shops. When you finally made it out of the house you would phone and meet me. You would always ask if I had found anything for you in the shops. We would stroll around and get lunch. I will never stop scanning the crowds for you.
-Having a little too much to drink at The Reindeer, falling out over something trivial, storming back to the house without talking; then waking the next morning, realising how silly it was and forgetting all about it.
-Your demands for ‘more tea!’. I would make you a cup of tea before I went to work each morning. As I left you propped against the pillows (as I did that last morning) you would always ask for ‘more tea’ knowing that I didn’t have time to make it.
-Waiting for you. You were always late and if you were going to be on time you would find something to faff at. You even seemed proud of the nickname I gave you; The King of Faff! I always hated waiting but now I would wait for weeks just to see you again.
In my attempts at forcing life to go on I have gone back to work. My bosses have been amazing at not putting demands on me. They have allowed me the freedom to come back when I am ready and leave the building if I need to. The first Tuesday was tough. Three weeks to the day that my world crashed. I can’t help but relive the moment. I was standing in reception and saw my parents walk past. I said to a colleague ‘Why are my parents here, I hope the cat hasn’t died.’ They walked into the office and tried to usher me into the back but realization was already dawning. And then my Dad said the words that tore my world apart ‘Bob’s Dead’. My poor Dad having to tell me. Oh I can’t describe the pain, the desire to run away from those words. But once they were said they could never be undone. I did try to run…I remember crouching on the kitchen floor trying to scream those words back out of my head. Not how I thought I would react to that sort of news; I always thought I would be calm and quiet.
So going back was never going to be easy however my colleaugues are wonderful and calm around me. They leave me in peace when they see I need it and keep me company at other times. But who do I phone up in my lunch break to see how their morning has been?
There are physical reactions too, I now gag everytime I try to clean my teeth in the morning; what’s that all about? Perhaps it is the spirit of a cheeky dentist messing with me?! I do feel that his spirit is around, he is not always here and certainly not on demand but there are times I know he is with me. The night before the funeral I was lying in bed and felt an arm around me…a strange sensation but a comforting one. My best friend told me that she had a dream that Bob and I were away with both of our families when Bob came to tell her he had to leave early. He asked her to look after me while he was gone. I will never have solid proof that he is still here in some way but I will take any signs and run with them.
Ok, fear not reader, the outpouring is coming to an end and I will leave on a positive note! Bob had certain challenges he wanted to do this year. It was to be his 60th birthday in June and he was determined to get even fitter than ever. Having cycled the Coast 2 Challenge twice in weekend events the plan was to do it agin…in one day! Bob had asked me to do it with him but I kept telling him I didn’t think I could get fit enough to do it. He always believed in me much more than I did and now I have decided to believe in myself too. I will do the challenge for him. Where I always relied on him to give me strength I will now find my own. I hope that others will join me, either in the one day challenge or, if they don’t feel up to that, by doing the challenge over a weekend. That way we could all meet at the end and celebrate achieving Bob’s goal together.
I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.