People tell me to write things down; write to him. But he never enjoyed reading and I think the writing has to be for me and not him.
I feel that one journey has come to a tragic end and a new one has started with a tragic beginning. I hope that this story will get happier and that this blog will be a record of it.
I am not clever with words and grammar, these will be my feelings, raw and recorded.
Since Bob’s death all I have done is talk. It is what I have needed. Talking about what happened, talking about the build up, talking about the inconceivable future and talking about the happy past. I have recieved counsel from more people than I could have imagined. People I had only met once before, people I haven’t spoken to for over fifteen years and my closest friends and family. Each message, poem, prayer and piece of contact has become part of the sea of hands keeping me from sinking. You have all held my head above the water and each and every one of you should be proud of your role.
Although each word helps some people say one thing that clicks. One friend gave me a phrase ‘comfort blanket’ what she told me about her comfort blanket made me understand Bob’s mind a lot better. The last few days I have told many people that I was angry that Bob took half my memories away with him. Everyone was sympathetic but then one person siad ‘no Cadi, you still have your memories and always will but the others were his to take away’…click! Now it is up to me to remember alone the endearments he used when we were alone and the feel of his arms around me.
The thing that scares me the most is facing a lifetime with a hole in it. I always knew that the chances were I would lose him one day but in your head you have an expected time…this was nowhere near the time. I have had three dreams with him. They were all brief but involved him saying a few words and being close to him. Of course I want to believe that it is him coming to me but how do you ever know for sure?!
His sister phoned me a couple of days ago and said some wonderful things to me. I was so grateful for her words and wish I could express my thanks for them. I hope that Friday will not be the dark day I am dreading and that Bob’s spirit will shine through. So many of his friends have shown me why he loved them by being there for me and a little network has sprung up. I kmow we are trying to fill the hole he has left with each other but what else can we do?
So there is light. Bob has already left a legacy, his death has formed new friendships and given me faith in humanity. I so desperately wish he was still here so I could tel, him about it.
I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.