I’ve never been much of a hugger. I like my personal space and would be more likely to reluctantly accept a hug than ask for one (with the exception of hugs from Bob of course). I am now a convert. I have had so many hugs the past few weeks, bone crushing bear hugs, quick hug and a kiss hugs, long cry-on-my-shoulder hugs, one armed hugs, group hugs…the list goes on. I have needed and asked for them. I’m still not fully accustomed and still get a little awkward sometimes but I am definitely getting better at them. I have even found myself offering hugs to others. There is nothing worse than a reformed non-hugger for grabbing an unsuspecting passer by!
Today was a day that hugs couldn’t really touch though. Every Tuesday is an anniversary now and this one was exactly one month since it happened. I didn’t really sleep last night (I don’t most nights but this was worse), it is like you are reliving events each week whilst pretending not to. I can’t help but watch the clock on a Tuesday. 12.30; when I last spoke to him, 13.00; when I tried to call him again but got no answer, 13.30; it’s over. Tick tock until next Tuesday.
I went to his house today to collect my belongings. Not really something I can describe, everything was there but him…where is he?! I coped until I went to the garage to get my push bikes out. There they were chained up next to his beloved bikes. My road bike, his road bike. My mountain bike, his mountain bike. My tricross, his tricross. We even had our old road bikes set up side by side attached to our turbo trainers. So many miles pedalled together and so many never to be ridden. That tore me up. I did not want to remove my life from his but the choice has been taken away.
My choice to keep pedalling and running is helping. Exercise refoucuses my mind, releases endorphins and tires me out. My housemate shakes his head as I announce I will be leaving for the gym at 6.45am. But I know he understands.
My sister and her partner invited me to stay for the weekand and it was wonderful therapy. Well therapy if you like being dragged on 25 mile bike rides with biiiiig hills; which luckily I do! A trip to the cinema for the Banff Mountain Film Festival, a Nepalese meal and a tour of the charity shops of Greater Manchester didn’t hurt either. Although the charity shops did throw up a new emotional stumble. Where I have always loved buying clothes a little voice started up this time. The voice asked what was the point? Did I really want to buy clothes that he would never get to see? Did I want new possesions I could not share with him? The answer was no. But it cannot be the final answer. The pleasures in life will come back, I must just learn to share them with other people…whether they want to see my bargain top or not!
The next big step, well more of a giant leap actually, is the holiday. Bob and I are due to fly to Iceland on Sunday 9th January. We had both always wanted to visit the country and see the Northern Lights. We booked the four night break partly to give Bob something to look forward to. I had hoped it might keep him going. We were looking forward to exploring Reykjavic, going whale watching and riding Icelandic ponies (ok that last bit was just me!). I asked his daughter if she would like to come but she has to go back to work and so one of my wonderful friends has stepped into the breach. It can’t be a fun holiday to volunteer to come on. She knows I will be a tad emotional. But I am determined to go and enjoy it. I will see the sights for him and know he will be by my side.
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