It has been six weeks and I’m not sure if that’s no time or forever. It’s not been a good few days. I can’t tell you exactly why, just that the memories seem to be bombarding me constantly. Every where I go I can see the ghosts of mine and Bob’s past selves. Walking down a particular street, going into a certain shop, sitting and having a drink in a local pub after cycling. I can so clearly see us everywhere and it is so so hard to believe that we won’t ever do anything together again. How can we never again visit our favourite campsite in the Peak District and walk down to the rubbish Indian restaurant. How can we never wake the next morning and talk about how beautiful our surroundings are before plotting a route for that days walk or ride? It really is too much to believe.
I finding driving often sets me off. I think it is partly seeing all the places we have been but also because I have no option but to sit and think. I will find myself in floods of tears just telling Bob how much I miss him and asking him where he is now. I wrote a poem to him when I was in Iceland asking just that and will publish it in a separate post.
I’ve found I have been having a lot more dreams with Bob in lately too. When I wake and realise it was just a dream it really hits me like a bolt. In one dream I was going to a memorial for Bob but he was there with me. We walked into the memorial gathering together, he in full dinner suit and me in a dress. As we went in everyone stood and clapped him and he turned to me and said “You see not many people would have this special a memorial with so many happy people.” and I replied “But what about all the hurt and pain you have left behind?”. His face fell and he told me how sorry he was. I woke feeling guilty for making him feel bad.
And then something good happened!
I checked my phone (I don’t think I will ever stop checking for one last text or call) and found an e mail which had come through during the night. It was from a lady in Canada who Bob and I met in India last November. Someone we had only known for a couple of weeks had sat down, around the other side of the world, and taken the time to write me a beautiful e mail. Bob had made such an impression on her and her husband, as he did on so many people. It was so good to read.
And that is not the only time it has happened. I woke a few days ago to a Twitter message from someone I know through work but have never met. He wanted to tell me he had read my blog and encourage me to keep my chin up. And there was the night I woke at around 1.40am to find an e mail from a slightly insomniac friend saying she was thinking of me.
Now I’m not suggesting you all start sending me messages at 3am or anything! But sometimes people don’t realise what a difference they make and I just want to thank you all again.
In other news I am starting the training! We have set a date for the C2C challenge; Saturday 9th August. I went out for a short (25 mile) ride into the Vale of Belvoir on Saturday, then it was running with my Dad and the running club Sunday and Monday, gym Tuesday and Wednesday…I will get fit!!! My Dad has signed us both up to the Lincoln 10km run on the 6th April which gives me something to look forward to. I find that exercise is my one escape from the thoughts. I re-focus and just think about keeping going (or whether the person next to me in the gym is working more or less hard than me). And the endorphins keep me going for a while afterwards.
I know that training for the cycle ride will be tough, I have never been the strongest cyclist. I don’t have the same tough attitude I seem to have when running…ok I admit it I get whingy! I am not good with my nutrition and tend to let myself run out of energy. To be honest I am partial to a good cycling bonk! Not what you may think it is; a bonk is basically letting your body run too low on sugar to the point where, in my case anyway, you end up unable to keep going, sitting in the dirt at the side of the road shaking so hard that you can’t get into that Snickers bar you so desperately need. It’s not big, it’s not clever and it’s certainly not cool! So a big part of my training will be trying to get my nutriiton right. We are likely to be on the road for around fourteen hours for the challenge and it is so important to keep my strength up for those killer climbs.
There will be four of us cycling the challenge; Sian (my sister), my friends Shaun and Jenny and myself. I have set up a Just Giving team page but not all of the team are linked to it yet. www.justgiving.com/teams/boblewthwaite if anyone would like to support us. We will also have our back up team with us consisting of family and friends who will act as support, nutritionists (banana suppliers), mechanics and after party planners. Planning this is helping me to keep going and I will let you all know of our training progress!
I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.