Well another week has gone by. It has now been seven weeks and people are starting to ask me if I’m feeling better or more ‘normal’. I’m sorry but I don’t even know what normal is now. My normal was being around Bob. It was speaking to him, texting him and seeing him. It was sharing our days and experiencing things together. So normal isn’t something I can really aspire to right now…unless he is coming back! I know what people mean though; normal has changed and will keep changing until there is a new and bearable normal. Normal is already different, I have new routines. I sleep with the window open, even when it is freezing; something I wouldn’t countenance before. Bob loved to sleep with the window open but I always felt the cold. Strange now that I embrace the cold and just burrow deeper into my duvet and pillow nest.
I listen to Radio Chill (on Digital) whilst attempting to read before sleep. I had never listened to it before Bob passed away but now it is my routine, my ‘normal’.
My ‘normal’ before was to let the alarm go off and then snooze it twice before rising. Now I stop the alarm and then wonder if I can wait until the end of the first snooze before getting up. It is silly but my alarm tone is a tune called “Song For Bob” by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis. It was my alarm tone long before he died and sometimes, at the weekend, we would just let it play instead of turning the alarm off. It is a lovely, if slightly haunting tune. I used to love waking to it and I can’t bring myself to change my alarm tone or hear the song . So I just have to wake up quickly to turn it off!
My new ‘normal’ is certainly getting me fitter though! This morning I had my first spin class before work. I knew this was going to be tough having seen a friend immediately after a spin class once. Usually a very attractive woman she was now reduced to looking like she had possibly been attacked in the rain by some very angry bears with heat guns! Let’s just say there was a lot of crazy hair, running mascara and some pretty red cheeks.
And so it was my turn to adopt the ‘angry bear attack’ look. And I’m pretty sure I at least matched my friend! Spinning was hard work but very exhilarating and certainly set me up for the day. They are very good at signing you up for the next week as well; when you arrive at the gym, bleary eyed at 6.30am and announce you’re here for spin, you are asked by the (too cheerful) person on reception if you want to sign up for next weeks class. In a half asleep (and pre-exercise pain) daze you answer “Yes please”. And so I will be back at spin next week too. Coupled with Monday evening running club I feel well exercised (and occupied) tonight.
Of course this is only the start of the fitness routine for the C2C. I have a long way to go yet. By the time I get to the challenge ‘normal’ will have been reinvented again.
Back to the seven weeks. Time moves. And when you are grieving it moves in a strange way. You don’t want it to move; every second is a second further away from him. I am not the only one feeling this. But, at this point, time does not heal. It is too soon. Time moves and we cannot escape that rhythm, all we can do is move with it. One day seven weeks will be seven months and then seven years. Bob will never be able to create more memories with me; that time has finished. Time creates new memories regardless. Time will create my new ‘normal’ and then I will be able to answer: “Yes, I feel more normal. Thank you for asking and caring.”
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