This week I nearly had my first big fail – or at least that’s how I would have seen it had it happened. Many many months ago my Dad had booked tickets for he and Mum, Bob and I and another friend to go to see Runrig in concert. I have grown up listening to Runrig and going to see them live. I have a wide taste in music but can honestly say they are my favorite band. I had introduced Bob to them and he loved them too. We had seen them live together a couple of times before and often listened to their music. I find their music has always invoked strong emotions and imagery to me. They are a Scottish band and I always think of the rugged and beautiful landscape of Scotland when listening to them. I think this is why Bob fell for them so much too, he loved going to Scotland on little adventures. We had been mountain biking there together and had walked the West Highland Way back in 2010 with my Dad, my best friend and her Dad.
Bob had been so pleased to hear that we had tickets and ever since he died I had felt the concert looming towards us. I knew that I wanted to go but also that it was going to be heart wrenching. I did not want Bob’s empty seat by my side and knew he would not want his ticket wasted so another family friend and fan joined us.
In the minutes before Runrig came on stage I thought I would be fine. But i wasn’t. The first song started ‘Road Trip’ and I just broke down. Tears flowed down my face, as they are now recalling it, and my flight response kicked in big time. I wanted to run. But we were in the middle of the row and I didn’t want to cause a scene. So I stayed and cried, hard and quiet. I do hope the group couldn’t see the audience well, they would have wondered why I was there if I disliked it so much!
The other reason I stayed is because I felt it would be failure to leave. This was a target, a goal. Get through this, pray that Bob is there with you in some way. At the interval I gulped down a glass of wine and told myself I was going back in. When the bell for the second half rang a little voice in my head said “Ding ding, round two.”
Towards the end a video was shown, during a song, it was a birds eye view of flying over Skye and I remember looking at the stunning scenery and thinkning ‘if Bob is anywhere in the world that is where he is’.
It was a wonderful gig, full of life and fantastic songs; I only wish I had not felt so bereft throughout. It is so important to remember though that, however much you are suffering you are, sadly, not alone. A friend was sitting next to a gentleman who also cried most of the way through – his Mum had bought his ticket and then passed away four weeks ago. Poor Runrig, perhaps they should have a little corner set aside at their gigs for ‘the criers’; I hope they don’t mind us and are flattered that their music inspires such emotion.
I find that these days I am learning little coping mechanisms for coping with the day to day emotion. That’s not to say I am in control all the time…but sometimes. I desperately want to hang on to and remember all of Bob’s little mannerisms, sayings, quirks etc. But it is far too painful to let these memories be constant. I am starting to allow myself one or two little reminisces at a time then shutting them down. It feels like lifting a lid a little on a very special box, peeping inside and then slamming the lid back down before I let too much out.
I also find myself bartering with some unknown ‘Controller of Life and Death’. Trying to work out a way to get him back. I was driving back from work the other day telling the ‘Controller’ that I wouldn’t mind if I was never allowed to see or speak to Bob again if he could just be back on this earth, happy and having his adventures. That would be enough for me, just to know he was not gone. I am still waiting for the ‘Controller’s’ answer.
I do try to leave you on a lighter note! I feel that I bring my readers down to my emotional level and don’t to leave them there. So I will tell you about the 10km run I did with my amazing Dad today. We ran the Lincoln 10km this morning and we were both proud of ourselves. I managed the sub 50 minute time I was aiming for but the star was definitley my Dad who knocked 5 minutes off his previous personal best to finish in 1 hour! My Mum came along as cheerleader and chief unnecessary-extra-clothing holder and it was great to see her at the end. Bob was always proud of the achievments of others and I know he would have been the first to congratulate us.
The training has also started in earnest for the C2C. I am already getting reports in from others at their progress; from ‘I am rebuilding my bike’ to ‘I rode 80 miles today’. It is so good to hear of the effort the team are going to for our challenge. I have been out for a couple of short rides this week and, now the 10k is done, will be ramping up the training. I went out with a couple of other team members on Thursday and have been cursed (in a jovial way) for ‘getting me signed up to this’. I am expecting a lot more cursing before the challenge is complete (at least some of it from me!) but I know we will all keep going and be so proud we made it!
I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.