I often do not really know what I am going to write in a blog post until I start it. I usually have some ideas, thoughts or events which have occured over the previous days. But nothing with real form or coherence. Some of you may say that that is how the post stays! I am never really sure how well my posts read. For a start it is hard to be objective and secondly I find it hard to read them back. You see these are my emotions, laid bare and raw. They are emotions which I am learning to control and sometimes suppress more and more. So when I write them down I am confronting myself with them. And there are times I cannot look them in the face, I glance sideways at them, write them down for you to read and then turn back away from them.
I like to blog because I know that those who want to read it will and those who don’t can avoid it. I don’t want to force my journey on anyone but am truly grateful to those who take the time to read. Some people give me feedback, some prefer to quietly read and not mention it. I do love to hear from you all though so if you do want to comment please do. I find it easy to be lonely at the moment so communication from friends, family and even strangers warms my heart.
I fight any loneliness by keeping moving and this weekend saw me out on my first big solo cycle. I am not ashamed to admit that I always let Bob be my cycle mechanic. I’m not ashamed because he always loved to do it and I loved to not have to learn! I don’t have a mechanical mind and the thought of a mere puncture would be enough to stop me going further than a twenty miler alone. In theory I can sort out a puncture but in practice…well I think you would find me at the side of the road fumbling wildly with tyre levers, pumps, patches etc. and looking around hopefully for a fellow friendly cyclist to take pity! No matter, I set out and did 62 miles alone on Saturday. Luckily prayers to the cycle gods got me round puncture free…this time! But be aware Notts cyclists; if you come across a panicking female cyclist at the side of the road I do need your help (even if I say “No no I’m fine” the first time you ask!).
I did wish Bob was peddling with me. Each time I looked up I could see his memory ghost just in front of me. ‘Memory Ghost’ is a new term in my head. It is hard to explain but it is almost like I can still see him. The way he stood, climbed, cycled, laughed, walked; he is crystal clear and yet not there. I hope he never goes away and I just learn to enjoy having his memory ghost with me. At the moment I often look away from him in pain.
I am certainly feeling fitter already. Since the end of March I have cycled 192.75 miles, done a few spin classes, visited the gym many times, run many miles and headed to the climbing wall. This and cooking keeps me busy and tired; just how I need to be.
Because when I am not tired I think. Today I was driving along by the river and I thought about someone else who often plays on my mind. I feel that in the last year I have tried to save two peoples lives and failed both times. I did not try to save Bob in a physical sense and I did not know that he needed to be saved. But I did try to help. I listened, talked, cooked, cared and loved him and it was not enough. I also tried to physically save a life and again it was not enough. Whilst out running last summer a came across a man and his wife. They had been cycling and he had collapsed. We performed CPR for what seemd like hours; In reality it was around forty minutes before the air ambulance arrived. The man survived for a few more days in hospital and then, sadly, passed away. I did my best but it was not enough.
I am not being self pitying about this. It is just fact. But it does sit heavy in my mind. I wish I could have helped them both more.
I won’t give up though. I will keep trying to help others and I will help myself to get through. I will keep smiling, I will keep positive and I will keep living. I will live my my new life saying:
Be. More. Relentless.
I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.