I strongly believe that most positivity comes from within a person and the rest comes from the people you surround yourself by. The last few months the positivity within has been something I have had to work very hard at. Luckily the people around me have helped me no end. People have reacted well to my desire to set myself a challenge and not sit back and wait for grief to pass.
I also try to keep my blog posts slightly light hearted and humorous in order not to scare you all away! But today I am struggling and I’m afraid you are all going to hear about it, sorry guys.
No one has stated the obvious fact that I am dodging my grief, to an extent, by never stopping moving long enough for it to catch up completely. They don’t need to tell me, I know.
It has been sixteen weeks now and that sounds like a long time. The seasons are rolling by, Spring is now evolving into Summer. The lambs are born and grown, the days are long and the country is awake, alive and excited. Sixteen weeks. And still every day feels like a struggle. A day to be got through so that I can move on and get through the next. I can’t wait for that to change; it is not how I want to live my life. But in order for it to get better I need to let the grief catch up a little and it really has this week.
My cycling seems stale and unimproving, my legs feel leaden and my mind tells me I don’t want to go out and ride. It is likely to be down to a combination of things; having had a cold and not eating well among them. But mainly I am tired. My mind has been playing with me this week and last night it peaked and forced me to face the guilt which is eating away at me.
Think about someone you love. Someone who you have known for years and is very close to you. Your parents, your partner, your best friend, anyone. Now think about the times you have treated them in a way you are not proud of. Perhaps you argued over something silly, maybe you nitpicked at them or nagged them about an annoying habit? They put something in the wrong place, they forgot to do something you asked of them? Now imagine that person has died by suicide. They didn’t kill them self because of those things you did but how can you not feel guilt for any tiny measure of upset you added to their life?
How desperately you want to turn back time and tell them that none of those things mattered. That all that matters is their happiness and their ability and desire to keep existing on this earth.
I am sure this is not a guilt which only exists when someone dies by suicide; that any time a loved one dies suddenly there are regrets. But it is unique to suicide that you can be sure the person was distressed and unhappy before their death. When you find that that person slipped beyond your reach, that you could not make them see reason to carry on, it is a dreadful burden of gulit to carry.
I’m not sure how I can ever not blame myself for not noticing the tone of his voice in that last phone call. For not dropping everything, leaving work and going to check on him. Or for feeling tired by constantly trying to make sure he was alright; how dare I have felt tired? I hope that by writing this down I can start to work through this guilt. It is certainly allowing some of the grief out…I am crying all over my laptop as I type!
I hope that I can feel positivity radiating from within me and that my mind will start to clear. And when it does I will channel Laura Trott, pull myself together and pedal harder than ever!
Until then I will keep smiling and laughing with you all because your smiles and laughter are my positivity for now. Thank you all.
Be More Relentless.
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