Thank You For Listening.

Firstly I would like to say a huge thank you. Thank you to everyone who read my blog last week and an even bigger thank you to all who got in touch after.
And the biggest thank you is to you all for being here and reading again.
You see I was a little afraid when I put last weeks post out. Anyone who has read it will know it was a very raw and emotional piece. It was me turning myself over to the world for observation and judgement. Many of my readers now are from Twitter and I really expected to lose followers over it. I was very aware that people may not want to read about deep feeling and emotion and even steeled myself for being asked to ‘shut up and go away’ by some readers.
But instead I was inundated by messages of support; by people sharing their own stories with me, flooding me with kindness and understanding.
There were so many stories; some similar to mine and some very different but all had a common thread. They were tales of people’s struggles in life and ultimately their strength and ability to overcome.
I would not wish unhappiness or misfortune on anyone but they will come to us all at some point. Being able to share experiences has helped me and I hope it has helped others too.
Many people told me that I should not feel guilty about my partners suicide and one person, who was very close to events at the time, reminded me of all I did do. They made the situation a lot clearer from the perspective of one watching from the outside.
Another person, who understood exactly how I felt, advised that I do not try to fight the guilt. It is natural and personal. It will never complelty go away and so instead I need to learn to live alongside it. It may sound strange but I felt such relief at this. You cannot switch off a feeling or emotion but you can handle them and so that is what I will work to do.
Now onto the cycling! I have certainly been doing a lot of it and what with fitting in the gym, running and the climbing wall too I don’t get many rest days! I don’t feel that I am as strong as I would like to be at this point but that may well be me putting pressure on myself. Which is fine; if I don’t put pressure on myself I will not improve and I need to succeed at this challenge.
I am annoyed at myself for not getting the longer distances under my belt. I wanted to be doing a 60 – 70 miler every weekend but time is so tight at the moment that I am only hitting nearer 40. This weekend coming I have a music festival on Saturday and work Sunday…maybe I can get the long ride in before the festival?!
I even took a holiday day last week to try to catch up with e mails and get my long ride in. This was sabotaged by the wonderful staff at my local Halfords.
I had realised that I needed a new tyre for the bike after two punctures in two rides forced me into a closer inspection. Oops, the trye was worn through! There was a faint possibility that the hole in the tyre may have been directly correlated to the all the air going to the top of my tyre twice. Needing a new tyre fast I thought I would try click and collect at Halfords. I duly clicked, was informed my goods were ready and so I collected. Yes, I should have inspected the goods a little more carefully but, having specified the exact size of tyre on line, I had crazily assumed I would be given the the item I ordered.
Sadly when I came to fit the new tyre it was too small. Cue angry e mail to customer services and my poor Dad rushing around to swap it for me whilst I hammered out the e mails I needed to write. I managed to pack in a 30 miler before setting off for Leeds to be inspired by Andrew P. Sykes and Tom Bruce. These two adventururs come authors have cycled across Europe and around the world respectively and have now written books about their experiences. Adventures come in all different shapes and sizes, for some it may be a day trip into the hills and for others an epic trip around the world. I love to hear about them all and aspire to spend my life doing the same; travelling and writing. That may be a way down the line for me or just a wish in the wind but it is good to dream. In the meantime I will just revel in hearing of others trips and plans.
Last weekend saw a trip to Wales for a family get together. It was so lovely to meet up with everyone; to eat, drink and be merry. There is a whole different level of humour with close family. You have a lifetime of memories and of course of ammunition! The teasing and P-taking is merciless and the laughter relentless. The less said about ham and pampas grass the better! I did keep up the exercise though. A hilly run with Dad on the Saturday and an early morning ride in the hills on Sunday (I surprised myself with that after the gallons of wine consumed the night before!) assuaged the overindulgence guilt a little.
I also got a chance to catch up with the most distant of the C2C riding team. my Uncle lives in Denmark and so training is harder on two counts; one is that he has to find his own motivation and two is that he has no hills! Having spoken to him I am confident that he will be more than capable of the ride. It also gave him the chance to run his eye over my little bike and give me a few pointers on the serious service it requires. Needless to say I will not be taking it to Halfords.
One last big thank you and virtual, lycraed hug to you all. I hope you all keep reading and keep getting in touch. In return I will keep smiling and loving the banter with friends, family and strangers.

Be More Relentless.

I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.

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3 thoughts on “Thank You For Listening.”

  1. Cadi, it was a great family weekend and I’m glad you were able to relax and enjoy it, even if you still managed a relentless fitness programme. It was great to have your company and I think everyone was glad to touch base with you, even if some of them hammed it up somewhat! Tons of love, Mum. X

  2. Hi Cadi thanks for the mention and for coming along to the event, hope that it was worth the journey for me. Talking of journeys, having read your blog through you are clearly on a tougher and more important one that any of the adventurers out there and I can only hope that things work out for you. I don’t know you personally so anything I write here may appear trite, it’s certainly not meant to.

    Grief is such a strange and powerful emotion that will come to all of us at some point in our lives even if how it arrives may be different in each individual case and of course as we are all individuals we will all handle it in our own ways. It sounds like you have good family and friends around you which is a great thing but it is only you that will have to deal with the vortex of emotions that you will go through (guilt naturally being one).

    From my perspective I have found that when I look back at the incidents in my life that have caused me the most grief and pain it is almost as if I see little rips in the fabric of my life, they can’t be repaired, they will always be there but they are also now surrounded by lots of other things that make up the tapestry. A doctor once told me that only I can deal with the issues, he could not help me but he did say that time will enable me to look at things with a different perspective and he was right.

    I hope that you will reach the point where you can look at things from a different perspective, smile, remember the good times and let those be a part of your life as you move forward. Good luck 🙂

    1. Ian, thank you for taking the time to write this. I think that you are right about the tears. I feel that this will leave a permanent scar on me but one which I will wear with pride. For I am a better person for knowing my partner for seven years. His loss, however traumatic, has forged a stronger person within me.
      Missing someone is so hard to quantify. How do you explain that you miss picking up their favourite food in Morrisons!? But it is something I will learn to cope with.
      Thank you again for sharing. I often refer back to the words of others when I need comfort and advice.
      Cadi x

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