What Do You See In Me?

No one likes being ill but I think people who are into sport are particularly nightmarish at it! Whenever I start to feel poorly I go straight into denial. If anyone dares to suggest I sound or look a little under the weather I will hastily croak a firm “I’m fine”. I don’t like to stop, I don’t like to miss work and I don’t like to give in. But sometimes ‘the denial method’ (maybe I should trademark that?!) doesn’t seem to force the germs into submission – no, I don’t understand it either! This week is one of those times; the strange chesty cold I have developed coupled with the hay-fever I have also tried to psychologically beat has laid me a little low.

As a result I have only been out on the bike once and that was for a short spin (less than 25 miles). I strongly believe that if you can do some exercise, even just a little, when you are not 100% it can help to make you feel better. I don’t mean that when you are flat out in bed you should crawl out and go for a 10km run, more that if you are a bit sniffley it can be worth a gentle jog. I stress that I have no scientific facts to back this up, I just know what works for my body.

I have not been so ill that I have taken to my bed but my cough is bad enough to warrant a rest from exercise. I find this extremely frustrating and am hoping to get a day off this week (having worked Sunday) to go for a long ride. I need to get some miles under my belt to get back on track with the training. Not least so that I can amuse you with tales of how I get on with the peddles and cleats I just purchased on EBay. I have always ridden with mountain bike style cleats on my road bike. Not the done thing I know (I think I heard the thuds as some ‘serious cyclists’ passed out in horror then) but I felt safer in them and, well, they were what Bob kindly put on my bike for me. My new pedals – VP-R73’s for anyone who’s interested – get a good write up on http://www.bikeradar.com and don’t cost the earth so I am excited to try them out. I’m not sure if they are the best or if they will make me go faster but they do match my bike and that has to be a bonus right?!

I was certainly not going to let being ill stop me from going to festival I had tickets for yesterday though. My friends and I had booked for The No Tomorrow festival a couple of months ago…my first music festival. Not Glastonbury I know but with London Grammar headlining I was not going to miss it. I was so glad I went. Lots of talented artists with powerful voices; Jess Glynn, Indiana, Clean Bandit and Sam Smith all exceeded my expectations. London Grammar blew them all out of the water though and as we watched under a dusky sky I looked up to see a single gull soaring above. I realised that I have seen that gull very often lately. Each time I feel emotional and look into the sky there it is gliding solo in the emptiness. Maybe now that I have noticed it I won’t see it anymore.

I was with close friends at the festival, people I have seen since Bob died. People who may not always read my blog because they speak to me enough not to feel the need. Sometimes lately I have bumped into people who I not seen or seen very little since and I always wonder how they think they will find me?

If you read my blog but do not speak to me often or have never met me at all what would you expect if you did meet me? Would you expect me to look sad; maybe tired; would you think I would be quiet or withdrawn? How do I come across?

I can almost guarantee that you would find me annoyingly loud and pretty cheerful. Probably talking too much and playing the fool. Not because it is a front, just because I have always been annoying and loud! I do worry that some may think this means I don’t care, that life has moved on and my feelings weren’t genuine. I shouldn’t worry but I do. In Victorian times there were set periods of mourning, certain things you could and couldn’t do and clothes you could and couldn’t wear. I believe the rules were stricter for grieving women than men. Things have clearly changed but do people still have certain expectations of those who are grieving? I do know one thing though; the couple of times at the festival when I went briefly quiet, when the tears welled up and I slipped away in my mind, my close friends noticed. Arms went gently around me without words being said. I was allowed my moment and then allowed to smile again and get on with the dancing and laughter…no words needed to be said.

The dancing was my gentle exercise for yesterday, tomorrow I will get back out with running club  and in a couple of days I will be back on the bike. Illness will be banished!!!

Be More Relentless.

I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.

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3 thoughts on “What Do You See In Me?”

  1. I’ve known you and you come across the same here but with more emotion and more who you actually are.. And I love social cadi and emotional cadi, keep it up, because I at least, love reading it x

      1. Now the illness has laid you even lower but, I know you’ll soon be up and running, or cycling, again. You’re a winner. Not many people will ever have to face what you’ve been through, indeed are still going through and even fewer will face it with such strength and dignity. Sorry that your health has let you down but you will be fighting fit again soon and we’ll once again enjoy your sharp wit and wicked sense of humour! Love, Mum. X

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