Anniversaries – For February 4th

And here we are. Almost two years on. And life has changed immeasurably for me. I hate that I am two years away from you but I also am happy with where my life is now.

My wish, as my wish has always been, is that you were still here and we could both be happy with the lives we are leading.

It’s not just me who misses you. Your friends and family wanted so many more laughs and adventures too.

Two years since I saw you. Two years since you took your life. I grasp at ghostly memories of your jolly laughter; of your distinctive walk and of your (seemingly) boundless enthusiasm.

You taking your life has scarred me. It has probably scarred many people.

I am terrified of someone depending on me. What if I fail them again? I am scared that I cannot make someone truly happy.

I am most frightened of life and death itself. I struggle to cope sometimes with the bad news which is constantly presented to us throughout the day. My over active imagination has burglars/murderers breaking into our house every night, car crashes and terrorist attacks at each turn.

I scare myself but never ever let fears stop me from doing something. I am sure these over blown fears come from losing you in such a violent way. Suddenly all the bad things that can happen become a reality.

But you taking your life has put my life where it is. Strangely, although I am more scared in many ways, I know I am tougher too. If I can hear the news I heard two years ago and survive the aftermath then surely I can survive anything.

You know how I have always struggled with confidence. Well Bob, I still struggle but I hide it better than I used to. And my partner now carries on your good work in telling me that I am a good person. You would like him. He has been amazing.

Losing you has made me realise the value in everyone’s lives. I want to hear about people. I want to listen and hear their sorrows and happiness.

I am speaking at a conference Bob! Me! Later this year. To tell people about the impact that suicide has on those left behind. It will be hard to sum up but I will do it. For you. For me. For everyone who suffers.

I still go out on adventures. Every week! Cycling, walking, running, everything; I am always out there. Your legacy will not stop.

I miss you. You made me a better person. Thank you.

I now mainly write on my new blog; An Adventurous Girl. I would love it if you would join me there by clicking here.


14 thoughts on “Anniversaries – For February 4th”

  1. Yes, it’s so sad but life goes on and you’ve not lost what Bob gave you but built on his foundations.
    Jamie is your future and Bob was an important part of your past.
    Well done for moving on without losing what you gained. X

  2. Hi Cadi. I’m glad I stopped by today. I haven’t been hanging out on WordPress enough recently.

    You know, you’ve been blogging for a long time now. I’m very proud that you have kept it up.

    This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

    You will be great at the conference 🙂

  3. Beautifully written again Cadi. Proud of you and happy for you and for Jamie to be with such an amazing lady that I was lucky to meet on an adventure with Bob in Vietnam. Always remeber looking at you and the feeling “she has the same sense of humor as me!” 🙂

    1. Thank you Katie, that is very kind of you. I had heard of the programme. But haven’t had a chance to watch it yet. Or maybe I have been avoiding watching it in case it is hard for me? Either way I plan on taking a look soon.
      Take care
      Cadi x

  4. We first spoke when you had not long lost Bob, and I was reaching the first anniversary of Mark’s death. This blog entry is like you’ve read my mind – missing them, wishing they were here and being happy, an immeasurably different life now compared to then and the haunting fear that bad things are all around… Thank you, I am not alone. Oh, and “Jamies” must have healing powers – I married mine a few months ago 😊. Stay happy x

    1. Congratulations Karen, I am so happy that you have married your Jamie!
      Your emails helped me so much when I was first grieving. You made me realise that the things I was feeling were normal and that I was not alone.
      I am glad that, in some small way, I have returned the favour.
      Sending love and happiness, Cadi xx

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